7 Lessons I Learned As A Dominatrix

When you think of a Dominatrix, what image comes to mind? Do you imagine a dungeon where a woman clad in leather and thigh-high boots is whipping a naked, shackled man?  Perhaps the female equivalent of the Marquis de Sade?
Before becoming a professional dominatrix, I may well have held a similar view.  The things I've learned, not to mention those I've had to un-learn, have proved valuable not only within my work but also when applied to life.

1. There is no-such thing as a typical submissive man.
The stereotypical submissive is the high-powered executive, always in control alpha male who sees a professional dominatrix as an escape from the stresses of his daily life. Certainly that does exist. Successful businessmen do make up a significant portion of dominatrices' clients, though that is probably as much attributed to the price point, as anything else. I have never had typical type of client.
I have seen men from diverse backgrounds, nationalities, and with varying careers. While most of my clients are older, some have looked young enough that they were carded before they were allowed to session. Some are schmucks I've blacklisted after an initial session (or in some cases before they got that far). Some have become great friends. I've had ones who were afraid to look me in the eye when they answered questions.  Others that talk non-stop.
Men who see a dominatrix truly represent a cross-section of society.

2. The human psyche doesn't always lend itself to tidy cause and effect relationships.
As people, we tend to theorize why we are the way we are.  There is an entire field of study that is devoted to it. When I began my journey as a dominatrix, I used to ask clients about their initial interest in their kink.  Of all the clients I've seen, three could pinpoint when their kink started.  Their stories involved quite different kinks (trampling, SPH, and spanking/sweater fetish) which were as different as they were. For those people, specific experiences triggered their kink.  For most of us, the whys and wherefores are much more complicated.

3. There isn't a one-size-fits-all dominatrix.
Every woman is someone's wildest fantasy.  When I first started I worked in a commercial dungeon. While most of the clients were regulars, sometimes someone was new and wasn't quite sure who they wanted to see.  It was typical to ask about the type of woman he preferred.  Not just based on physical appearance, but also, demeanor or style.

There are men who prefer blondes; voluptuous; tattooed, no tattoos, Amazon, flat-chested, bratty, mean, mature.... The list is endless and there is truly a niche for any woman.

Women (not just dominatrices) often think they need to become the embodiment of the idea of what they think men want. Sex appeal starts with embracing what is unique about yourself.  Once you do that, it is never a stretch to leverage it into a really hot fantasy/ role-play.

4. It's not all fun and games.
Having worked with and observed dominatrices for years, one thing becomes apparent about those who are successful vs those who aren't. People underestimate the amount of work it takes to be a successful dominatrix. No matter how good-looking; naturally dominant; or how experienced in the BDSM “lifestyle” you are, it takes work. I've known gorgeous women with years of lifestyle experience who floundered as a professional dominatrix because they were looking for easy money.  It doesn't exist. Women who ultimately make money while making it look easy, are the ones with street smarts who busted their asses to find their own rhythm of marketing and sessioning and gaining a following of devoted regulars. 

5. If you want it, you have to ask for it.
In many ways, seeing a professional dominatrix should make vulnerability easier.  It is highly unlikely that you'll shock her with you kink.  For a scene to work, communication is key.  Verbalizing what you really want; how you really feel or even want to feel is a risk. In order to have the experience you are looking for, you have to be able and willing to communicate specifically what you want in a session. When you're won't communicate your wants or needs, you will end up disappointed.

Just think of how often this interaction happens, in any relationship. And while dominatrices may have amazing skills, mind reading isn't one of them.

6. “Normal” is an illusion.
Being a pro domme is part theatre, part service, and part therapy. Clients confide in you, things they've never disclosed to friends, partners or spouses.  Sharing and exploring their kinks; accepting them as they are, I've begun to view the world differently.
My clients stripped down look average, the type of people I might encounter anywhere. I see people differently now. I understand in a way that I didn't before that each of us struggles to fit into the various roles we either create for ourselves or which are imposed on us.  I also appreciate that people only share the parts of themselves that they feel safe in sharing.  I am privileged that my clients trust me with their vulnerability.

7. Age is just a number.
Play is how we learn. One of the many upsides of being a dominatrix is the opportunity to embody different archetypes, to play good and evil. A session is fluid. By allowing us to way to experiment with emotions it can be therapeutic, as well as, cathartic.  It isn't something we should for which we should ever become too old.


While many of the skills I've learned and use as a dominatrix are very specific to that environment.  It has provided so much more insight into the workings of the human mind, that it consistently improves every other interactions I have.

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