7 Lessons I Learned As A Dominatrix
When
you think of a Dominatrix, what image comes to mind? Do you imagine a dungeon
where a woman clad in leather and thigh-high boots is whipping a naked,
shackled man? Perhaps the female equivalent of the Marquis de Sade?
Before
becoming a professional dominatrix, I may well have held a similar view.
The things I've learned, not to mention those I've had to un-learn, have
proved valuable not only within my work but also when applied to life.
1. There is no-such
thing as a typical submissive man.
The
stereotypical submissive is the high-powered executive, always in control alpha
male who sees a professional dominatrix as an escape from the stresses of his
daily life. Certainly that does exist. Successful businessmen do make up a
significant portion of dominatrices' clients, though that is probably as much
attributed to the price point, as anything else. I have never had typical type
of client.
I
have seen men from diverse backgrounds, nationalities, and with varying
careers. While most of my clients are older, some have looked young enough that
they were carded before they were allowed to session. Some are schmucks I've
blacklisted after an initial session (or in some cases before they got that
far). Some have become great friends. I've had ones who were afraid to look me
in the eye when they answered questions. Others that talk non-stop.
Men
who see a dominatrix truly represent a cross-section of society.
2. The human psyche
doesn't always lend itself to tidy cause and effect relationships.
As
people, we tend to theorize why we are the way we are. There is an entire
field of study that is devoted to it. When I began my journey as a dominatrix,
I used to ask clients about their initial interest in their kink. Of all
the clients I've seen, three could pinpoint when their kink started.
Their stories involved quite different kinks (trampling, SPH, and
spanking/sweater fetish) which were as different as they were. For those
people, specific experiences triggered their kink. For most of us, the whys
and wherefores are much more complicated.
3. There isn't a
one-size-fits-all dominatrix.
Every
woman is someone's wildest fantasy. When I first started I worked in a
commercial dungeon. While most of the clients were regulars, sometimes someone
was new and wasn't quite sure who they wanted to see. It was typical to
ask about the type of woman he preferred. Not just based on physical
appearance, but also, demeanor or style.
There
are men who prefer blondes; voluptuous; tattooed, no tattoos, Amazon,
flat-chested, bratty, mean, mature.... The list is endless and there is truly a
niche for any woman.
Women
(not just dominatrices) often think they need to become the embodiment of the
idea of what they think men want. Sex appeal starts with embracing what is
unique about yourself. Once you do that, it is never a stretch to
leverage it into a really hot fantasy/ role-play.
4. It's not all fun
and games.
Having
worked with and observed dominatrices for years, one thing becomes apparent
about those who are successful vs those who aren't. People underestimate the
amount of work it takes to be a successful dominatrix. No matter how
good-looking; naturally dominant; or how experienced in the BDSM “lifestyle” you are, it takes work. I've known gorgeous women with years of lifestyle
experience who floundered as a professional dominatrix because they were
looking for easy money. It doesn't exist. Women who ultimately make money
while making it look easy, are the ones with street smarts who busted their
asses to find their own rhythm of marketing and sessioning and gaining a
following of devoted regulars.
5. If you want it, you
have to ask for it.
In
many ways, seeing a professional dominatrix should make vulnerability easier.
It is highly unlikely that you'll shock her with you kink. For a
scene to work, communication is key. Verbalizing what you really want;
how you really feel or even want to feel is a risk. In order to have the
experience you are looking for, you have to be able and willing to communicate
specifically what you want in a session. When you're won't communicate your
wants or needs, you will end up disappointed.
Just
think of how often this interaction happens, in any relationship. And while
dominatrices may have amazing skills, mind reading isn't one of them.
6. “Normal” is an
illusion.
Being
a pro domme is part theatre, part service, and part therapy. Clients confide in
you, things they've never disclosed to friends, partners or spouses.
Sharing and exploring their kinks; accepting them as they are, I've begun
to view the world differently.
My
clients stripped down look average, the type of people I might encounter
anywhere. I see people differently now. I understand in a way that I didn't
before that each of us struggles to fit into the various roles we either create
for ourselves or which are imposed on us. I also appreciate that people
only share the parts of themselves that they feel safe in sharing. I am
privileged that my clients trust me with their vulnerability.
7. Age is just a
number.
Play
is how we learn. One of the many upsides of being a dominatrix is the
opportunity to embody different archetypes, to play good and evil. A session is
fluid. By allowing us to way to experiment with emotions it can be therapeutic,
as well as, cathartic. It isn't something we should for which we should
ever become too old.
While
many of the skills I've learned and use as a dominatrix are very specific to
that environment. It has provided so much more insight into the workings
of the human mind, that it consistently improves every other interactions I
have.
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